Tag: running

I feel like I have started the beginning of a long race without much of any training. My body feels stiff and sore navigating this unfamiliar territory and wants to push through. As I start the race I feel pretty good; I can do this. It’s going to be a little hard but I’ve got it.

But then I push a little too hard and the terrain changes. I start going up a long hill and cannot see the top. I’m in the midst of this hill and I feel myself slipping, with an ache in my side that makes me want to stop, pull off to the side and rest.

So here I sit, gulping in air and catching my breath. Waiting to regain my strength so I can get back in the race again. This time, knowing that I can’t push too hard too soon. Because the race I am running isn’t a sprint. It is a long one that requires me to endure. To trust myself and the process.

I consider myself a pretty self aware person. I know my strengths and my shortcomings. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which shows itself in my passion, my empathy for others and my sensitive nature. I also tend to try to avoid the bigger emotions I feel: anxiety, fear and grief. Great for times such as these. [Sarcasm.]

I tend to ruminate in my thoughts and emotions, while at the same time trying to stuff them down and move on so as to avoid my overthinking nature. Trying to not feel things I believe I ought not to dwell in too much.

Hence, the race I am enduring. Following Dave’s passing, I thought I was doing OK. I was able to grieve but also pick up the pieces. Make plans. Try to move forward. But all that came to a screeching halt just a few weeks following the funeral with COVID-19 and I found myself homebound with the girls 24/7. I quickly realized that I cannot fast forward through the grief process.

When you want to avoid your thoughts and emotions it’s a little hard when you have less to distract yourself with. Yet my current vice is reading all the books. Mysteries are my favorite way to escape reality. But as the weeks go on, I am reminded that I can’t distract myself from the story I am in. As hard as this story is, I have to let myself write it. With the passion that I carry in my heart. With my girls alongside me.

Today marks two months since David passed away. The first few weeks flew by with the busyness. With slowing down and spending time with the girls at home, it has been a much slower pace. One that has caused me to realize that I need to give myself a lot more grace. To not just let the hard feelings come and then try to quickly move past them. But rather to let them in and recognize them for what they are. To then give myself freedom. Space. Kindness. To my very core.

I started doing yoga again this past week after giving it up several months ago. I forgot how good it feels, both inside and out. One of my favorite mantras from the practice is to be kind to yourself. It’s such a simple phrase but one that is so powerful and true. We tend to pour out kindness quickly to others and less so to ourselves.

Believing the truth about ourselves is what helps us to endure. To run the race marked out for us. One step at a time. As I get back into it, this time I stretch my legs. I look up the hill and see that I am running the race with millions of others. My situation is unique and yet I am not alone in enduring hard times. We must keep going, encouraging each other – and ourselves – along the way. Keeping our eyes forward, on the author and perfecter of our faith. Breathing deeply. Staying focused.

As we keep running, the pain will continue to come and go. And what I’ve realized is that it’s OK to stop and tend to it. But to not stop and give up. I can ask for help. For someone to sit with me through it. To get up and walk with me for a bit until I regain my strength and find my stride again. This is what I’ve come to find renewal in. Again and again. I find myself surrendering to the same truths along the way each time I stumble. Finding hope and faith to endure.

Life is painful. Messy. Filled with heartbreak and heartache. We don’t need to ignore it or try to push it aside quickly and move on. We can let ourselves feel the depths of emotions and tend to our inner being. In the deep, dark spaces we squint, looking for light. When we look for it, we find it. Joy and beauty become that much richer. Life begins to make sense. Because it is in these spaces that we find who we truly are. We find ourselves and each other. And run the race together.