This time of year is one of reflection, of looking back from where we’ve come and looking ahead to the future. For just about anyone, looking ahead can fill us with a number of feelings from overwhelm to uncertainty to fear to excitement to anticipation.
Most of you know my story, my grief journey and from where I’ve come. While it hasn’t been easy, the past three years have caused me to look more internally than I ever have in my life. I already am a live-in-my-head kind of person, so this self-reflection at first filled me with much anxiety, over thinking every decision and letting my self be filled with fear over the future.
The first year (2020) was mostly numb, drowning out the noise and doing what I could to survive (grief, Covid, solo parenting, the whole bit) and find joy and meaning, trusting in God’s purposes and promises despite my circumstances. The second year was actually harder than the first, making some life changes and moving and trying to settle into new routines. The anxiety with all of the changes reached its peak, and I knew I needed to find help outside of myself. I started my counseling journey, and it led me back to my center.
This year I have experienced more healing and growth than I ever dreamed was possible. Somewhere along the line I learned to shed back the layers of self-doubt and trust that inner voice. I learned to let go of what I felt I “should” do and do what I knew was right and best for me. My people pleasing nature is slowly slipping away, and I am learning how to align my decisions and actions with my heart and my values without feeling the need to please everyone else. It truly is the most freeing feeling to live your life in alignment with who you are. It only took me 40 years to get here, ha.
I’ve never been a resolutions person, but I do go into each year hoping to learn and grow and become the best version of myself. Going into 2023, my word of the year is align. I want my heart to align with my mind and my actions to align with my values. I want my life to align with God’s purposes for me. I want who I am to align with who I am made to be.
Going into this year I pray that I would continue to grow into myself. That my girls would see the confidence within me and that they would learn and grow alongside me. I pray that I would continue to adapt and trust my inner knowing of each step of this journey. I am grateful for my deep-feeling heart and sensitive soul that God has given me, as it allows me to embrace with joy the beautiful relationships He’s given me and to find joy in this process, even when it’s hard. I am grateful for my creative outlet, that God gives me the words not just for myself to heal but to also share with others. I pray that I would continue to have the courage to do so. I am grateful for the depth within me, that I can experience the richness and beauty of this life and see it for what it is in spite of the hard stuff. I wouldn’t be me without my willingness to be open, to be vulnerable, to be brave. It is when we come into ourselves and embrace it that we truly live in alignment with who we are.
Step by step, one day at a time. I’m aligning my heart and my values and putting them into action. I am growing into the best version of myself and who I am made to be.
Like just about everyone this time of year, I find myself reflecting on the past 12 months—everything I have been through, have learned and see myself hoping to work on in the new year.
I’ve never been big on New Year’s resolutions; I find them to be glorified versions of personal goals (or maybe that’s just me). The trend in more recent years has been finding a “word of the year” that sets an intention. This could be a word that helps you stay focused on the person you want to be, or a quality, truth or hope you wish to hold onto.
I’ve tried both resolutions and words of the year and while in theory they have been helpful, I find myself quickly getting back into the routines and busyness of everyday life and quickly forgetting any sort of intentions (or resolutions) I’ve set for myself.
If I’m honest, I know that goals are helpful for me to stay focused and give me a sense of purpose when I otherwise sometimes feel a lack of control. While I am not setting out to name resolutions for myself this coming year, there are a handful of things that I want to do more of, and some things that I am realizing I want to do less of. In shedding the things that do not serve me, I am hoping to make fewer excuses for not doing the things that give me a greater sense of joy and purpose. Let’s call them goals of what I want to do and not do.
2022 Goals
1. Less scrolling. I find myself doing way too much mindless scrolling on my phone, namely on social media, sinking into the rabbit hole that is the internet. When I am really up for wasting my energy, I click into the comments section of a news article. Most of this mindless scrolling leaves me feeling like I have wasted my time and energy on things that really serve me little purpose. I am considering removing social media apps from my phone temporarily to help me stay more focused on the present and less on things that don’t matter.
Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing updates on what my friends are up to, especially those I don’t see very often, but I know I need to be better at picking up the phone or texting when I’m thinking about someone, even if it requires more emotional energy than scrolling. (Side note: If I haven’t called or texted you…sometimes it requires more emotional bandwidth than I am up for…forgive me if it takes me a while to pick up the phone for a long conversation. I love talking, but at the end of the day I have little energy for more than reading a good book or writing a blog post. 😊)
2. Less justifying. Sometimes I feel the need to justify my reasons for saying no to something or overexplain myself for decisions I make. I am realizing that I am allowed to set boundaries and name what I need without feeling like I have to overshare. I am allowed to give myself grace and space.
3. Less guilt. Oof this is hard. Author Nedra Tawwab says you can’t set boundaries without feeling some sense of guilt, but ultimately you need to focus on not disappointing yourself and your needs. As selfish as I know this sounds, I know that I need to take care of myself. It’s like the whole oxygen mask on the airplane thing. To be the best mom, friend, employee, family member, etc. that I can be, I need to make sure that my needs are met and my tank is full without feeling guilty. I need to make the best decisions for me and my girls without feeling guilty. I need to create space for the things I love and enjoy without feeling guilty.
Somehow I make too many excuses or don’t make enough time for things I enjoy, which I hope to change in 2022. There are several things I want to do more of.
1. More yoga. I fell in love with yoga a few years ago, pre-pandemic before everyone became obsessed with at-home yoga sensationYoga with Adriene. I have fallen out of the habit this past year, but yoga has been something that has kept me grounded, and it has allowed me to take care of my body when it carries so much stress. I’ve signed up for the next 30 day yoga journey, and while I don’t typically finish these in 30 days straight, I tend to stick with them. Yoga has helped me mind, body and soul.
2. More reading. I love to read, both fiction and nonfiction. During the 2020 year of Covid that felt like the longest year of my life, I probably read close to 50 books after a long hiatus of reading for fun. Since downloading the Libby app on my phone and having library books at my fingertips I have been reading so much more. I look to continue my reading habit next year but want to do more reading of physical books too, and not just on my phone.
3. More sleep. Ugh, this is probably my worst habit. Worse than biting my fingernails. I stay up way too late most nights. As a single parent of young kids, I definitely am lacking on time for myself. I try to make up for it by staying up far too late after the girls are in bed, crossing things off my to-do list and then trying to squeeze in plenty of wind down time prior to lights out. I know that I function at my best and am much more pleasant to be around when I have more sleep. I’m happier, less likely to say something stupid, and amazingly more patient with my children. Win, win, win. I know I need to make sleep a priority, it’s just a matter of following through and making it happen.
4. More writing. The lizard in my brain tells me that no one really wants to read what I have to say, that my writing doesn’t serve much purpose other than to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper (or computer). I know deep down that this isn’t totally true, but I make excuses for not writing more. Confession time: A few months ago I started a book. I abandoned ship after one writing. I’ve gotten approximately two paragraphs written. I’m hoping to come back to it next year and dedicate a whole lot more of my time to writing it.
5. More time with friends IRL. For those who don’t know the lingo the kids are saying these days, IRL = In Real Life. The combination of being thrust into single parenthood in the midst of a global pandemic has put a huge damper on my personal life. I need to get over feeling guilty asking people to watch my kids so I can have one. There is no substitute for in person conversations, hugs, prayers and quality time.
I’ve set some what I feel to be attainable goals for myself next year that allow me to focus more on who I want to be. It’s been a year (ok let’s be honest, two years) and I’m hopeful that the next year will be one of challenges, growth and joy. I am grateful for my girls, my tribe, and a community that has supported me through this journey called life. God has given me more than I could ask for or imagine, even with all of the challenges and curveballs. It is by grace that I continue to find joy and hope in what’s to come.
She Speaks True Words 
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