Spring has never been my favorite season. I’ve always enjoyed the seemingly endless days of summer, filled with cookouts, swimming and the sweet, coconut smell of sunscreen lingering on the skin. Late nights watching fireflies dance and staring up at the stars, filling my mind with the hope of endless possibilities.
Once I am over the months of sweating profusely, I look forward to fall. Crisp leaves painting the skyline and sidewalks with hues of orange, pink, yellow and red. The smell of bonfires in backyards. The roar and excitement of people cheering on their favorite football teams. Snuggling up in my favorite sweatshirts.
Winter has never been my favorite either, mostly as an adult…because who likes driving in snow? It’s fun playing with my kids in it for about five minutes. And then spring seems almost a nonexistent season most years, as winter lingers into April in Iowa and then it quickly becomes blazing hot, making the frigid days of winter a distant memory.
This year, spring has brought upon a lot more meaning than in years past. The winter was long and hard for obvious reasons, enduring David’s diagnosis and quick turn toward the worse. In some ways the months felt long at the time, facing the giant that we did. Long days at the hospital and then hospice. But looking back, I realize just how fast things progressed. It was a winter of the soul for many of us.
Some days, the memories from the past several months come in flashes, in and out of my mind, as I am distracted by the everyday needs of caring for the girls, and of course, everything going on in the world around me. And some days, I let them in and sit with them, letting the grief be with me. I let myself remember both the hard and the good memories. The girls and I share random things about Daddy on an almost daily basis, the things he would say or do. Many of the stories make us smile.
The girls are doing well considering the circumstances we are in. They play together really well (most of the time) and I am loving seeing their friendship deepen. They find fun in their days and bring much needed laughter and joy to mine. That being said, as the weeks go on, the days can be long and hard. I am feeling my endurance built and am reminded daily of my need to trust in the path and the process. As the season has changed, so have I. Despite the circumstances around me, I cling to the promises of spring. Of hope and of growth.
The weather this spring has been glorious this year. I am thankful we have been able to get outdoors quite a bit. I am beyond grateful for our neighborhood, for wonderful friends and neighbors. They’ve blessed me and my girls in more ways than I can count.
I am realizing more and more that despite my planning nature, I really need to focus on the present. The simple joys and things to be grateful for in each day, whether enjoying a picnic outside with the girls, listening to the girls giggle as they play together or reading a good book (so thankful for my digital library card!).
Though I don’t know what the next days, weeks and months will look like, I am doing what I can to be mindful of what is going on while also trying to not let myself get caught up in it. Making decisions I feel are best to keep the girls and me safe…even if it can be exhausting.
So for now, I am choosing to embrace spring as much as I can. Letting myself feel the blades of grass in my toes and the warmth of the sun on my skin, watching the girls run freely, sing loudly and yell hello to each and every neighbor they see. Because there is nothing more beautiful than letting in the joy that they bring. Along with the promises of hope. Of growth. Of rising up and letting myself be filled with radiance and truth.
She Speaks True Words 
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