Tag: believe

Almost three years.

The sun is shining as I write this, a rare warm day in the middle of an Iowa winter. I am grateful for the warmth, for the light and life and joy that it brings.

Grief, for me, has been focusing on the light. Letting the darkness exist but choosing to live in the light. Even on the cloudiest and dreariest of days, when everything feels heavy, I know that the sun still shines, and if I look hard enough, I will see the light peeking through.

In just over a week, on Feb. 20, it will be three years since losing Dave, and as hard as this journey has been, I have come a long way. I have slowly peeled back the layers and uncovered within myself a person who I didn’t know was there before. Someone who is stronger than she thought and who is finally living a life that is in alignment with who she is and wants to be, growing into the best version of herself despite the circumstances. It’s bittersweet, really, to see these changes in myself and wish that David was here to see them.

It’s easy to want to replay the journey of grief, to relive the moments leading up to and following Dave’s passing. For a long time I did that, wishing I could have controlled how things happened and somehow thinking that I could have changed the outcome. Replaying the painful memories of Dave’s decline is hard to say the least, and this time of year it’s hard to not go there, but instead I choose to remember the good.

I remember how much he loved making a difference and helping others, often quietly serving behind the scenes, never asking for any recognition or anything in return.

I remember his unwavering faith; no matter what life threw at us, he always trusted that God was with us and would carry us through. Even when he was sick, he never was angry at God, never complained, but he trusted in God’s faithfulness, knowing God would take care of him and take care of me and the girls, too.

I remember how much Dave loved his job, pouring his creative outlets and artistic talent for the people he worked with. I remember how much he loved using his gifts and talents to help others.

I remember how close he was with his family. The love Dave had for his siblings and parents and their relationships with one another was truly special. I am truly blessed to still have amazing relationships with my in laws.

I remember how great of a father he was. David was a natural from day one, constantly showering our girls with love, affection and lots of laughter. Hearing our girls squeal with glee when they played together was truly the best.

I remember what a servant heart he had in our household. He did whatever it took to keep things running smoothly and was always willing to tackle any project and take care of me and the girls. Dave’s love language was acts of service and it showed. I knew he would do anything for us, whether making last minute runs to the store for me when I was cooking or for the girls if they needed medicine when they were sick. He loved us so deeply and took good care of his girls.

I remember how much he loved the summertime, just spending time outdoors in the yard, grilling, playing with the girls. I have a lot of memories just being together, whether making smores, playing with the girls in the sprinkler, washing the car in the driveway in their swimsuits or splashing around in the inflatable pool.

I have so many wonderful memories that I continue to share with the girls. The older they get the more I want to share with them, so they can hold their daddy close to their hearts always. Even in the milestone moments where we wish he was here with us, letting the girls know he is with them and watching over them always.

Three years. The longest shortest years. So much has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I am grateful to God for walking alongside me and carrying me through this journey and the friends and family who have remained faithful and been my tribe. I couldn’t have walked this road without any of them.

It is by the grace of God that I can truly say that I am thankful for where I am at and what lies ahead for me. And I pray for more of that grace and peace each and every day. I trust and believe. One day at a time. God has great and beautiful things in store.

Image by Monika from Pixabay

Dare to dream.

This summer, one of the things I enjoyed when the weather was nice was sitting on my back patio on a clear night, staring up at the vastness of the sky, at the glimmering lights illuminating in the darkness, daring to dream about the possibilities.

The North Star is almost always visible, and it draws me in with its certainty and assurance of its guiding presence. Because even when all the darkness surrounds, it never fades. It leads me and guides me home even when I have lost my way.

One of the things the girls and I enjoyed over the summer was wandering the furniture store (and let’s be honest, testing mattresses and eating free cookies). On a recent visit, I came across this artwork, displaying the promise of hope: “Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”

On many of those nights I spent staring up at the stars, I have found myself praying, looking toward the future, dreaming for something bigger than myself. I longed to use my gifts and talents and didn’t want to stay in a place where I felt the clouds were keeping my light in the shadows. I felt such a yearning, such a pull toward an answer that honestly felt right yet terrifying at the same time. In the darkness, I saw the stars pointing the way, the North Star in all its certainty giving me the courage to take the first step.

I knew it took reaching this place of darkness, of solitude, of uncertainty, to see what has been sitting in front of me the whole time. My true north. It’s easy to deny what we know to be true when it feels like a sacrifice, when we know it will be a challenge, when we know it will require a leap of faith far greater than we could have imagined. The fear that sits within me is real, but I know that if I ignore this light that is illuminating in the darkness, if I turn away and head the opposite direction or let my anxiety win, my heart will know I have ignored what is true. What is right. What is good.

So here I am, daring to dream. Speaking my light and words and sharing my vision with some dear friends and loved ones. Speaking your dreams out loud is terrifying and yet gives you the courage and confidence to pursue them. I’m not ready to share my long-term dreams with the world yet, but I know what the next step is for me. Now, I must trust. I must trust in the interim and trust in the Lord to determine my steps and provide the right timing.

Now, I must keep my focus. It’s easy to let my eyes wander to what the light illuminates around me rather than what is right in front of me. It’s easy to want to chase after everything I want all at once rather than trusting the process, knowing that I can’t control every step of the way. I can’t will things to happen or try to make things go on my terms, I must trust and believe. The North Star promises to guide me. Encourages me to take that first step. I can’t be in my own way anymore, I must let go. I must trust in God’s promises and know that He is with me every step of the way.

So today, I am choosing to take the first step of many. To know I am made for great things and that God is going to give me the strength even when it feels hard. I’m taking the leap, knowing that I am not alone in this process. One day at a time. I trust and believe. I dare to dream.