Be Strong

Be strong
Be courageous
Paint on your brave face
Breathe in peace
Breathe out anxiety
Let the voice of truth
Drown out the doubt
Find your strength
From deep within
You are stronger
Than you think,
You say she’s
Stronger
Than the weight
Of the anchor
That presses
So firmly
Its grip so heavy.

This strength she carries
Isn’t a strength
She possesses
Within herself
It isn’t something
She strives for
She doesn’t want to be brave
She doesn’t have it in her
To be strong
She feels it, knows it in her bones
Strength, she realizes
Doesn’t come from herself
Being strong doesn’t mean
Casting aside fear
Or putting a bandage on her pain.

Strength, she realizes
Comes from surrender
To the unknown
To the truth
Getting up
Taking one step at a time
Letting herself be
Just as she is
Accepting herself
All of her feelings
All of her scars
She embraces the truth
That she is worthy
She is covered
She is strong
She is brave
Not because of anything she does
But because of who she is:
She shows up
Looks to the sun
Lets it radiate her beauty
Bathe her with glory
Magnify her light.

New beginnings.

I step
Into the chasm
Into the unknown
Into tomorrow
Looking ahead
I follow the voice
That calls me
The door that is open
Is the only one I know
The only one I trust.

As this day ends and
The heavens twinkle
Crisp lights in the darkness
Illuminating the way
In the clear, dark night
The new day promises
New hope
New beginnings
New mercies
And I go
One step at a time
There is something
I must choose
I must hold onto
And I know
It is the only
Certainty I can cling to.

A love that promises
A love that perseveres
A love that never fails
A love that conquers all
A love that endures forever.

For unto us … Jesus came.

The words of Isaiah 9:6 have been on my heart this week leading up to Christmas.

More than ever they speak to my weary, hope-filled heart. In spite of my current life circumstances, I find my heart filled with a peace that transcends all understanding. It’s no wonder that these words were spoken shortly after Isaiah 9, verse 1, which says there is no more gloom for those who are in distress, and verse 2 which says, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light.”

I am reminded that Christmas isn’t just about a savior being born into our broken and weary world. It isn’t just about Him coming to this world in humility to rescue us. It isn’t just about Him promising eternal life for those who believe.

More than anything, I am reminded that God came out of love. He came to sit with us in our darkness. He came to counsel us in the hard times, to walk with us. He came in mighty power to show us His beauty, grace and truth. He came as our Father to draw us into His presence and loving arms, finding comfort in His warm embrace. He came to show us we are not alone. And He came in peace, to rescue us from ourselves, from our pain. Not to free us from it, but to bring His Holy Spirit to dwell in us and for us to dwell in Him.

And for all of that I am eternally grateful. Merry Christmas.

She bends.

She bends
Beneath the invisible anchor
Pressing its curves
Into the weight of her back
She gives in
To the heaviness
Pressing on
Not letting it break her
It slows her steps
Each one harder than the last
She moves forward
Looking ahead
Not behind her
Or too far into the distance.

She finds herself
Seeking safety, comfort
Finding herself surrounded
Clothed in a cocoon
Arms lifting her
Helping her carry the anchor
Its heaviness no longer
Overtaking, overbearing
So she can keep moving
Not alone, yet still seeking
Solace in the chaos.

She hides within the cocoon
Letting herself grow
Become shaped by the anchor
Giving into its weight
Knowing it is in the depths
She truly finds light
Discovers herself
Knows her beauty
And becomes something exquisite.

Beautiful chaos.

Words written express so eloquently what often my spoken ones cannot. They are more thoughtful, poured out onto a page, a document, a space to be filled. With my heart, my voice, my everything.

Sometimes when I write, I hesitate. I hold back for fear of exposing more than I ought. When I don’t want to share the details. Yet my heart yearns to pour them out, to put into words what presses down and weighs itself like an invisible anchor on my chest.

So I write. I tell the world, or at least the invisible audience on the internet, what I’m feeling. Scared, yet hopeful. Anxious, oh so filled with worry, yet trusting.

So many unknowns lie before me. My husband faces a stage 4 cancer battle. I am currently unemployed. Mothering two young children. In an overwhelming state yet somehow filled with peace. Trusting. Hoping.

I know that the God of the universe is with me through this. I sense His calming presence, the power of the Spirit in me. I know that I am not alone. I am surrounded. By His love, by the love of family and friends. I am grateful for their outpouring of love.

Yet at the same time, my heart cries for solace. Solitude. Rest. I hate that I don’t have a job and yet I am grateful for the opportunity to focus on caring for my family. It somehow feels like less stress for the moment. Before the cancer diagnosis the anxiety of not having a job consumed me, but now it just feels right. Like God knew what I needed right now. He’s letting me trust in Him alone.

My soul finds rest in the midst of the chaos. My heart knows that God is good even when life is not what we envisioned it to be. Because we weren’t made just for the things of this world. We are made for far greater. We are made to worship our Creator. It just so happens that God loves us immensely, too. He brings us comfort and peace in the catastrophes of life.

And, God brings us beauty and goodness in the everyday. I am so thankful for the wonderful people who surround me. My beautiful daughters, my husband who is fighting for all of us. Our church community, family, friends and beyond. We are blessed beyond measure.

Together, we are praying for miracles. Believing. Hoping. Enduring. Trusting that God is with us. In this beautiful chaos.

Breathe.

Inhale, exhale.
The breath calms me
Letting myself feel
Each rise and fall
Concentrating on the breath.
I feel more deeply
Than I’ve ever felt before.
The fear is real
The pain goes deep
Yet I don’t give in
I let myself breathe
Breathe in life
Breathe out fear.

The unknown taunts me
Whispers in the dark
Shadows lurking around
The bend.
It covets my mind
To give in to the worry
To stop trusting
Hoping
Believing.

Cancer is a sickness
But it cannot drive us
Away from the light
Into the darkness
Into fear.
We must hold tight
To the hope we profess
Cling to truth
Faith
The love that guides.

Don’t be afraid
Dear one.
Don’t let yourself
Fall.
Rise up
On eagle’s wings
Where you will not
Grow weary.
Rest in my shadows
Lay your head
On my shoulders
Find rest
Peace
Home.

Finding beauty.

I lost my job a few weeks ago, and to be perfectly honest, it shattered me. This is the second time I’ve lost my job, and it’s hard not to feel like I’ve done something to deserve it even though I haven’t.

As I have come out of the haze of the past few weeks, breathing through the anxiety and voices of self-doubt and shame, I am trying to find solace in prayer, guided meditation and the support of loved ones. It is hard. So incredibly hard. Everything in me wants to give in to the voices that aren’t true rather than listening to the truth and kindness of those around me.

Why is it that we so easily are unkind to ourselves? That we want to believe the lies rather than the truth? I think about the Fall, the choice Adam and Eve made to believe the serpent, to eat and taste what they thought to be knowledge and truth. Instead what came was shame. They ran and hid.

So easily I find myself wanting to run and hide, not admitting the truth of not just my sin, but also my true identity in Christ. He sees the beauty that is within me, the lovely and courageous person He made me to be. I quickly identify my shortcomings rather than seeing the beauty.

This morning as I drove to drive the girls to school, I was gifted with a beautiful scene. We had a small dusting of snow last night, and it gleamed like shimmering crystals on the autumn leaves, and the sun was rising in shades of pink and gold above the trees. It truly took my breath away and was a holy moment with God.

The same beauty I took in of God’s presence is the same beauty He sees in me, for I was made in His image. Despite my shortcomings, despite what I may believe about myself and the shame that I feel, the voices that tell me I’m not enough, the Creator of the universe believes in me. He sees me and the beauty He created living in me. He makes me more than enough. He makes me beautiful. I am His beloved.

I wasn’t able to snap a picture while I was driving, obviously, but this picture I took when I got home serves as a reminder of the beauty I experienced today, and also of the beauty He sees in me. May I always remember, may I always see the beauty God created me to be.

A father’s love.

Today toward the end of church, I looked at the rows of people in front of me. I sat and watched two different families. One family, I watched as a mother and father wrapped their arms around their first grade son. The dad gave him a loving squeeze, and I felt my heartstrings tug as both mom and dad each rested their heads against his. Finally, I saw his mom scoop him up and wrap her arms around the young boy, his head resting on her shoulder.

I have two young girls, so moments such as these aren’t unique for me, but today I felt a whisper as I watched. Fitting, as the message today was on the Holy Spirit. I felt the whisper tell me that this kind of love, a love so pure and so simple, a love that a parent pours out for their child, is increased tenfold (in fact more than I could ever know or fathom) in God’s love for me.

I watched a row in front of this family, where another father wrapped his arm around his preteen daughter, kissing her on the forehead. Again, the voice whispered, how much more am I loved.

As the worship songs played and I sang, an older woman embraced a younger woman in front of me, and they cried and prayed together. This kind of love, a love that pours out deeply and is filled with beauty and kindness, is a love that is far greater when it’s God’s love.

My heart began to swell as I felt God draw near, encouraging me to cling to the truth of His goodness and overwhelming love. To slow down and be present, to let myself receive it. Too often I don’t let myself truly rest and dwell in God’s presence, listening to the sound of His voice, the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

I am grateful today for the reminder to pause. Pause and notice what I see and hear. Pause and rest in His presence. Pause and let myself breathe. Too often I find myself running and not slowing down. I need more rest and less striving. More assurance of God’s promises and the power of His presence.

I pray for more moments such as the ones at church today. Where I am reminded to soak in the goodness of God’s truth and His overwhelming love for me. Thank you, Jesus.

Worthy.

It feels all too easy
To succumb to the pain
To give in to the voices
The lies that speak
Louder than I can stand
The whispers of truth
Fade into silence
The lies become louder
Enveloping my mind
Convincing with their false truths
Pushing to the forefront
Claiming my thoughts
Longing to be the victor
I shake and stumble
Falling to the ground
My knees feeling weak
Yet heavy and weighted
The tears start to fall
My heart cries
Deep cries out to deep
Longing for truth
To linger in my heart
To fill the depths
Overflow my being
My mind no longer
Given over to the darkness
But filled with the light
Basking in its glow
Resting in its truth
Believing and knowing
I am enough
I am loved
I am free
I am redeemed
I am pursued
I am captivated
By the one
Who declares me
His beauty
His love
His daughter
Worthy of grace
Worthy of love
Worthy of healing
Worthy
Just as I am.

Heart and soul.

Sometimes it feels too much
Too great a weight to bear
I become overwhelmed
I can hardly carry it all
The heaviness weighs down
Pressing against my soul
Its weight keeps me grounded
Nearly bringing me to my knees.
I’ve reached my breaking point
It hardly feels like anything
I feel nothing
Only numb
Only pretending
That I’m doing
Ok
Because it’s all relative
It’s all a facade
I just want to live
Outside of myself
Inside the truth
The weight of glory
Enveloping me
Surrounding with hope
Never ending mercies
Grace and truth
Riding on eagle’s wings
Letting the love
And rich mercies dwell
In the depths of my soul
All the days of my life.