Month: January 2021

Tomorrow, January 25, the girls and I will celebrate your life. Your heavenly birthday. I remember a year ago bringing the girls to the hospital. Your mom, the girls and I brought donuts and saved one for you. Glazed, your favorite. The girls were so excited to see you and celebrate your birthday. They came bearing homemade cards and lots of love for their daddy.

I came to the hospital twice that day. Following our morning birthday celebration, I went home with your mom and the girls and came up again later that afternoon. For the entire month leading up to your birthday, Hailey was asking if you could have a Spider-Man cupcake for your birthday. I remember every time she talked to you on the phone she asked you if you wanted Spider-Man cupcakes and you always said yes to warm her heart. So of course, I put in a special request to Hy-Vee for cupcakes with Spider-Man on them.

When I returned to see you that afternoon, I came bearing your Spider-Man birthday cupcake. You were pretty quiet and tired, and I just sat with you for a few hours. It was cold that day, but not snowy. I remember how excited you were to see the girls that morning. I remember how hard it was for them to keep still and contain their enthusiasm to see you. I remember how you looked with your beard since you didn’t shave in the hospital. I remember the whipped cream from the cupcake getting stuck in your beard and quietly smiling to myself. I remember my heart feeling heavy yet filled with hope and love. I remember fearing the worst and hoping for the best. I remember writing the Caringbridge update from the hospital that day. The birthday wishes from friends and loved ones.

Here we are, a year later. What I feared did play out and I must admit that it still fills me with a twinge of anger that it had to turn out this way. Not anger at God or at things being unfair, just that we have to live our lives without you. My heart still aches so much. I told Hannah tonight that though this past year has been so incredibly hard, God promises he is with us in our pain. And that I have felt him with me in all of this. I have felt you with me, too.

Your story is written in my heart and in the hearts of so many you reached. I still have people tell me how much your story, your faith through your cancer battle and mine throughout this journey, have impacted them. So while it still hurts so much, I know that there is a far greater hope that is bigger than what I can comprehend in all of this. A hope that reminds me that I am not made for this world. That reminds me that I am not alone in any of this. I am surrounded by the love of those who love me and a God who promises me his presence, bringing light in the darkness.

The girls and I talk about you, remember you, and hold you in our hearts. We share stories and I tell the girls about the traits they have that remind me of you. Every day I see you in them and every day we know that you see us and are watching over us. I know that you are so proud of our girls. And we love you and miss you so much.

In honor of you, we are having your favorite birthday treat, pumpkin pie. We will share memories of you and how special you are to us. To Daddy, to my husband, with love, we celebrate your birthday. And we carry you forever in our hearts.