I suck in my breath, letting the air expand in my diaphragm and fill my lungs, pausing for just a few seconds before exhaling, feeling the breath pass through my lips and closing my eyes.
And repeat.
My brain continues to run 100 miles an hour, overturning thoughts until I feel the need to slow down again.
Repeat deep breathing. Refocus my thoughts on the breaths. In and out.
This exercise doesn’t happen every day, but it helps ground me on the days that I really need it. Focusing on my breath can bring a sense of calm in the midst of the chaos. A peace when I need it. I don’t always find immediate relief, and sometimes I just need to ride out the thoughts and turn my mind elsewhere when it gets exhausted and needs a break.
Because if I’m honest, life right now feels exhausting. And a little bit overwhelming.
When David was sick, I had multiple people (including Dave himself) say to me that I am stronger than I think. Truthfully, I didn’t really like it, or believe it for that matter. I didn’t like it because it made me feel like I couldn’t be vulnerable, that I needed to hide the parts of me that felt, dare I admit, afraid. That I had to be strong even when I felt far from it.
It has been a long nearly seven months since Dave passed away. Some days the words “you’re so strong” and “I admire your resilience” have kept me going and encouraged me, yet I feel guilty when I feel far from anything resembling resilient. While some days I do feel that I can manage the life that is single parenting and grieving in the midst of a pandemic, some days it is just really, really hard. I long for a sense of normalcy, a chance to connect with a friend over coffee and do things with groups of people again.
To me, being strong isn’t about having it all together in the middle of life’s storms. Most days I feel like I’m surviving, drawing on the grace of God to fill me up with hope, faith and love in the midst of the fears and unknowns. Rising up again and again, one day at a time.
Strength is depending on God’s hand and not my own. Strength is surrendering to the unknown, to faith and believing in the truth. Strength is being vulnerable about our fears and asking others to walk alongside us, even if it may be virtually or at a safe distance. Strength is asking for help even when it’s hard.
Strength is admitting we cannot do this on our own. Strength is not hiding who we are and what we need. Because let’s be honest, we’re all needing more hope in the midst of these times. We all need each other to carry on in our own grief. We aren’t made to do life alone. We are made for community. For love. To share life together and experience the love of God through our love for one another.
It is so hard to do this sharing of life thing right now, and I think that’s where I am having a hard time. I can’t let myself get stuck in feeling like I have to be strong all the time, because I know I can’t. I need to remind myself to let my thoughts and feelings pour out. I need the strength of others and of God through these storms. We all do. True resilience comes from this faith, this interconnected trust that allows us to stumble, rise up and be brave even when we feel far from it.
It’s time that we pause and take some deep breaths. We know we still have a long journey ahead of us, one with twists that go into places we have yet to know. We have to trust and endure, even when we can’t see what’s coming. Trust in the process, the path, the road marked out for us. Our safety and protection come not from a lack of hard things, but of promises of God with us.
Today, I pause. I look up and see a break in the several days of rain and the sunshine peeking through the clouds. God’s grace shining through, bringing me hope and strength for a new day.
She Speaks True Words 
8 thoughts on “Strength.”