Month: June 2020

The long days of abundant sunshine and sweltering heat have officially arrived. For some reason, the first day of summer for me seems to mark the second half of it, and not its starting point. Perhaps because it’s the longest day of the year and the days slowly grow shorter. Or maybe it’s because once the 4th of July hits, summer seems to fly and I wonder where it’s gone.

This year, the longest day has also marked 4 months since Dave passed away, and then Father’s Day. An emotional couple of days. I anticipated this weekend to be hard, but honestly the past couple weeks have been unexpectedly difficult. I accepted a new job for the West Des Moines school district and with it came a fresh rip of the emotional Bandaid.

I think what has been difficult for me is realizing that come August I will no longer be existing in this bubble I’ve been in for what has felt like the longest year of my life. I’ll be stepping into navigating life as a working single mom. A life that one year ago I never would have envisioned myself living.

I had a friend ask me not long after David passed away if I ever thought about how much things had changed since a year ago, and at the time I said no. But as the weeks and months go on, I find myself thinking about just how different our lives were a year ago…celebrating Easter, Memorial Day, the start of summer and Father’s Day together. But then things quickly changed.

I’m sure as the summer goes on I’ll remember how Dave’s symptoms progressed and how we had no idea what was causing them. Reliving the memories is difficult, and I don’t want to let myself dwell in them or wonder about “what ifs” or “if onlys” or any other toxic thoughts. But I want to let myself grieve, too. There’s a weird balance in grief…you want to but you don’t…you want to remember, to feel, to let it hurt…but you don’t want it to consume you.

With the girls, a lot of what I do is remind them of memories or talk about the good things together. They’ve been looking through old photo albums and playing with Daddy’s Legos lately, and I’ve made comments about the stories of the pictures and how Daddy is proud of and watching over his girls. And we of course have talked about how we are going to have donuts together on Father’s Day in memory of Daddy.

It is oh so hard to navigate all of this, and our first Father’s Day without Dave will be difficult. But in the midst of the hard I know we will find good and beautiful things, too. I am grateful for the girls who remind me daily of his best qualities. Hailey has his laid back personality and approach to life, and Hannah is so thoughtful and creative. Both of them have hearts of gold.

Raising these two beautiful girls who remind me every day of David is the greatest gift he has given me. I told him multiple times over his final days that I would do my best to love these girls as well as he loved us. To love God and love them with all of my heart. As I will always love him. My heart is still broken and hurting and yet it is full. Filled with memories and love.