Month: May 2020

Voices.

I realize that I am one of many voices right now.

I realize that my voice is one that has much privilege. One that I didn’t choose or gain. One that simply is privileged.

I realize that I have a lot of brokenness in me.

I realize that the color of my skin and that of my girls means that I make a lot of assumptions that are deep-seated. Many of them are unconscious but are slowly beginning to rise to the surface.

The events over the past several days and weeks have left an impressionable mark on my soul. It has become abundantly clear that racism is not something that exists in a vacuum. It is not individual acts of horror and oppression. The acts over George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Eric Garner, John Crawford, Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin…these are not simply acts of violence. They are acts of racism that are indicative of the systemic white supremacy in our society. Yes, white supremacy. And I’m not just referring to extremists or politicians or the police officers committing these violent acts. I’m referring to whites as a race and the racism – whether conscious or subconscious – that we have.

I recently started an online book discussion group on Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility. This book is shattering me in a good way.

“When you consider the moral judgment we make about people we deem as racist in our society, the need to deny our own racism – even to ourselves – makes sense. We believe we are superior at a deeply internalized level and act on this belief in the practice of our lives, but we must deny this belief to fit into society and maintain our self identity as good, moral people…We can’t challenge our racial filters if we can’t consider the possibility that we have them.”

With my heart aching and praying over the events of this week in addition to my own growing self awareness, I find myself looking to my girls. How can I teach them so much more about the ways they can make a difference? How can we as parents invest in the younger generation to organize in a meaningful way? What can I share with and teach my children now that is appropriate for their ages?

I have so much to learn, so much to unlearn. I’ve heard it said, “When you know better, do better.” I’m definitely not perfect and I want to do better – do right by my girls and equip them to advocate for change. Because we can do better, and we must.

Spring.

Spring has never been my favorite season. I’ve always enjoyed the seemingly endless days of summer, filled with cookouts, swimming and the sweet, coconut smell of sunscreen lingering on the skin. Late nights watching fireflies dance and staring up at the stars, filling my mind with the hope of endless possibilities.

Once I am over the months of sweating profusely, I look forward to fall. Crisp leaves painting the skyline and sidewalks with hues of orange, pink, yellow and red. The smell of bonfires in backyards. The roar and excitement of people cheering on their favorite football teams. Snuggling up in my favorite sweatshirts.

Winter has never been my favorite either, mostly as an adult…because who likes driving in snow? It’s fun playing with my kids in it for about five minutes. And then spring seems almost a nonexistent season most years, as winter lingers into April in Iowa and then it quickly becomes blazing hot, making the frigid days of winter a distant memory.

This year, spring has brought upon a lot more meaning than in years past. The winter was long and hard for obvious reasons, enduring David’s diagnosis and quick turn toward the worse. In some ways the months felt long at the time, facing the giant that we did. Long days at the hospital and then hospice. But looking back, I realize just how fast things progressed. It was a winter of the soul for many of us.

Some days, the memories from the past several months come in flashes, in and out of my mind, as I am distracted by the everyday needs of caring for the girls, and of course, everything going on in the world around me. And some days, I let them in and sit with them, letting the grief be with me. I let myself remember both the hard and the good memories. The girls and I share random things about Daddy on an almost daily basis, the things he would say or do. Many of the stories make us smile.

The girls are doing well considering the circumstances we are in. They play together really well (most of the time) and I am loving seeing their friendship deepen. They find fun in their days and bring much needed laughter and joy to mine. That being said, as the weeks go on, the days can be long and hard. I am feeling my endurance built and am reminded daily of my need to trust in the path and the process. As the season has changed, so have I. Despite the circumstances around me, I cling to the promises of spring. Of hope and of growth.

The weather this spring has been glorious this year. I am thankful we have been able to get outdoors quite a bit. I am beyond grateful for our neighborhood, for wonderful friends and neighbors. They’ve blessed me and my girls in more ways than I can count.

I am realizing more and more that despite my planning nature, I really need to focus on the present. The simple joys and things to be grateful for in each day, whether enjoying a picnic outside with the girls, listening to the girls giggle as they play together or reading a good book (so thankful for my digital library card!).

Though I don’t know what the next days, weeks and months will look like, I am doing what I can to be mindful of what is going on while also trying to not let myself get caught up in it. Making decisions I feel are best to keep the girls and me safe…even if it can be exhausting.

So for now, I am choosing to embrace spring as much as I can. Letting myself feel the blades of grass in my toes and the warmth of the sun on my skin, watching the girls run freely, sing loudly and yell hello to each and every neighbor they see. Because there is nothing more beautiful than letting in the joy that they bring. Along with the promises of hope. Of growth. Of rising up and letting myself be filled with radiance and truth.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay