Month: December 2019

New beginnings.

I step
Into the chasm
Into the unknown
Into tomorrow
Looking ahead
I follow the voice
That calls me
The door that is open
Is the only one I know
The only one I trust.

As this day ends and
The heavens twinkle
Crisp lights in the darkness
Illuminating the way
In the clear, dark night
The new day promises
New hope
New beginnings
New mercies
And I go
One step at a time
There is something
I must choose
I must hold onto
And I know
It is the only
Certainty I can cling to.

A love that promises
A love that perseveres
A love that never fails
A love that conquers all
A love that endures forever.

For unto us … Jesus came.

The words of Isaiah 9:6 have been on my heart this week leading up to Christmas.

More than ever they speak to my weary, hope-filled heart. In spite of my current life circumstances, I find my heart filled with a peace that transcends all understanding. It’s no wonder that these words were spoken shortly after Isaiah 9, verse 1, which says there is no more gloom for those who are in distress, and verse 2 which says, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light.”

I am reminded that Christmas isn’t just about a savior being born into our broken and weary world. It isn’t just about Him coming to this world in humility to rescue us. It isn’t just about Him promising eternal life for those who believe.

More than anything, I am reminded that God came out of love. He came to sit with us in our darkness. He came to counsel us in the hard times, to walk with us. He came in mighty power to show us His beauty, grace and truth. He came as our Father to draw us into His presence and loving arms, finding comfort in His warm embrace. He came to show us we are not alone. And He came in peace, to rescue us from ourselves, from our pain. Not to free us from it, but to bring His Holy Spirit to dwell in us and for us to dwell in Him.

And for all of that I am eternally grateful. Merry Christmas.

She bends.

She bends
Beneath the invisible anchor
Pressing its curves
Into the weight of her back
She gives in
To the heaviness
Pressing on
Not letting it break her
It slows her steps
Each one harder than the last
She moves forward
Looking ahead
Not behind her
Or too far into the distance.

She finds herself
Seeking safety, comfort
Finding herself surrounded
Clothed in a cocoon
Arms lifting her
Helping her carry the anchor
Its heaviness no longer
Overtaking, overbearing
So she can keep moving
Not alone, yet still seeking
Solace in the chaos.

She hides within the cocoon
Letting herself grow
Become shaped by the anchor
Giving into its weight
Knowing it is in the depths
She truly finds light
Discovers herself
Knows her beauty
And becomes something exquisite.

Beautiful chaos.

Words written express so eloquently what often my spoken ones cannot. They are more thoughtful, poured out onto a page, a document, a space to be filled. With my heart, my voice, my everything.

Sometimes when I write, I hesitate. I hold back for fear of exposing more than I ought. When I don’t want to share the details. Yet my heart yearns to pour them out, to put into words what presses down and weighs itself like an invisible anchor on my chest.

So I write. I tell the world, or at least the invisible audience on the internet, what I’m feeling. Scared, yet hopeful. Anxious, oh so filled with worry, yet trusting.

So many unknowns lie before me. My husband faces a stage 4 cancer battle. I am currently unemployed. Mothering two young children. In an overwhelming state yet somehow filled with peace. Trusting. Hoping.

I know that the God of the universe is with me through this. I sense His calming presence, the power of the Spirit in me. I know that I am not alone. I am surrounded. By His love, by the love of family and friends. I am grateful for their outpouring of love.

Yet at the same time, my heart cries for solace. Solitude. Rest. I hate that I don’t have a job and yet I am grateful for the opportunity to focus on caring for my family. It somehow feels like less stress for the moment. Before the cancer diagnosis the anxiety of not having a job consumed me, but now it just feels right. Like God knew what I needed right now. He’s letting me trust in Him alone.

My soul finds rest in the midst of the chaos. My heart knows that God is good even when life is not what we envisioned it to be. Because we weren’t made just for the things of this world. We are made for far greater. We are made to worship our Creator. It just so happens that God loves us immensely, too. He brings us comfort and peace in the catastrophes of life.

And, God brings us beauty and goodness in the everyday. I am so thankful for the wonderful people who surround me. My beautiful daughters, my husband who is fighting for all of us. Our church community, family, friends and beyond. We are blessed beyond measure.

Together, we are praying for miracles. Believing. Hoping. Enduring. Trusting that God is with us. In this beautiful chaos.