Month: October 2019

Finding beauty.

I lost my job a few weeks ago, and to be perfectly honest, it shattered me. This is the second time I’ve lost my job, and it’s hard not to feel like I’ve done something to deserve it even though I haven’t.

As I have come out of the haze of the past few weeks, breathing through the anxiety and voices of self-doubt and shame, I am trying to find solace in prayer, guided meditation and the support of loved ones. It is hard. So incredibly hard. Everything in me wants to give in to the voices that aren’t true rather than listening to the truth and kindness of those around me.

Why is it that we so easily are unkind to ourselves? That we want to believe the lies rather than the truth? I think about the Fall, the choice Adam and Eve made to believe the serpent, to eat and taste what they thought to be knowledge and truth. Instead what came was shame. They ran and hid.

So easily I find myself wanting to run and hide, not admitting the truth of not just my sin, but also my true identity in Christ. He sees the beauty that is within me, the lovely and courageous person He made me to be. I quickly identify my shortcomings rather than seeing the beauty.

This morning as I drove to drive the girls to school, I was gifted with a beautiful scene. We had a small dusting of snow last night, and it gleamed like shimmering crystals on the autumn leaves, and the sun was rising in shades of pink and gold above the trees. It truly took my breath away and was a holy moment with God.

The same beauty I took in of God’s presence is the same beauty He sees in me, for I was made in His image. Despite my shortcomings, despite what I may believe about myself and the shame that I feel, the voices that tell me I’m not enough, the Creator of the universe believes in me. He sees me and the beauty He created living in me. He makes me more than enough. He makes me beautiful. I am His beloved.

I wasn’t able to snap a picture while I was driving, obviously, but this picture I took when I got home serves as a reminder of the beauty I experienced today, and also of the beauty He sees in me. May I always remember, may I always see the beauty God created me to be.

A father’s love.

Today toward the end of church, I looked at the rows of people in front of me. I sat and watched two different families. One family, I watched as a mother and father wrapped their arms around their first grade son. The dad gave him a loving squeeze, and I felt my heartstrings tug as both mom and dad each rested their heads against his. Finally, I saw his mom scoop him up and wrap her arms around the young boy, his head resting on her shoulder.

I have two young girls, so moments such as these aren’t unique for me, but today I felt a whisper as I watched. Fitting, as the message today was on the Holy Spirit. I felt the whisper tell me that this kind of love, a love so pure and so simple, a love that a parent pours out for their child, is increased tenfold (in fact more than I could ever know or fathom) in God’s love for me.

I watched a row in front of this family, where another father wrapped his arm around his preteen daughter, kissing her on the forehead. Again, the voice whispered, how much more am I loved.

As the worship songs played and I sang, an older woman embraced a younger woman in front of me, and they cried and prayed together. This kind of love, a love that pours out deeply and is filled with beauty and kindness, is a love that is far greater when it’s God’s love.

My heart began to swell as I felt God draw near, encouraging me to cling to the truth of His goodness and overwhelming love. To slow down and be present, to let myself receive it. Too often I don’t let myself truly rest and dwell in God’s presence, listening to the sound of His voice, the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

I am grateful today for the reminder to pause. Pause and notice what I see and hear. Pause and rest in His presence. Pause and let myself breathe. Too often I find myself running and not slowing down. I need more rest and less striving. More assurance of God’s promises and the power of His presence.

I pray for more moments such as the ones at church today. Where I am reminded to soak in the goodness of God’s truth and His overwhelming love for me. Thank you, Jesus.

Worthy.

It feels all too easy
To succumb to the pain
To give in to the voices
The lies that speak
Louder than I can stand
The whispers of truth
Fade into silence
The lies become louder
Enveloping my mind
Convincing with their false truths
Pushing to the forefront
Claiming my thoughts
Longing to be the victor
I shake and stumble
Falling to the ground
My knees feeling weak
Yet heavy and weighted
The tears start to fall
My heart cries
Deep cries out to deep
Longing for truth
To linger in my heart
To fill the depths
Overflow my being
My mind no longer
Given over to the darkness
But filled with the light
Basking in its glow
Resting in its truth
Believing and knowing
I am enough
I am loved
I am free
I am redeemed
I am pursued
I am captivated
By the one
Who declares me
His beauty
His love
His daughter
Worthy of grace
Worthy of love
Worthy of healing
Worthy
Just as I am.

Heart and soul.

Sometimes it feels too much
Too great a weight to bear
I become overwhelmed
I can hardly carry it all
The heaviness weighs down
Pressing against my soul
Its weight keeps me grounded
Nearly bringing me to my knees.
I’ve reached my breaking point
It hardly feels like anything
I feel nothing
Only numb
Only pretending
That I’m doing
Ok
Because it’s all relative
It’s all a facade
I just want to live
Outside of myself
Inside the truth
The weight of glory
Enveloping me
Surrounding with hope
Never ending mercies
Grace and truth
Riding on eagle’s wings
Letting the love
And rich mercies dwell
In the depths of my soul
All the days of my life.